Sunday, June 23, 2013
Transfiguration Retreat
Day 1 - I woke this am feeling that subtle, delicate, expansive, open, clear, whole-being feeling that I associate with enlivened consciousness. I wonder if I am already picking up on the transmission, as course participants converge for the course. Registration is this afternoon. I am looking forward to whatever happens in the coming week.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Lesson 8 homework
If you’d like to take this lesson one step deeper, feel into which of the categories spoke the loudest to you:
Being
Embracing
Feeling
Receiving
Relating.
Choose whichever theme is drawing you and do some journaling on what that aspect brings up for you.
I can't say that any of them spoke to me louder than the others. Seemed sort of boring, actually. But I did like this paragraph at the beginning. For me it was the best part.
Some suggest you should do all you can to attain enlightenment; to us, this represents the
masculine aspect of the awakening process. Others say that any willful effort expended in
seeking enlightenment is a waste because it’s all about non-doing; we see this as the
feminine aspect. In the work of Waking Down in Mutuality, we find that masculine and
feminine approaches are equally important in the awakening process, and that by using both
as appropriate brings the most rapid and transformative results. If the approach is too yin,
there can be openness, but it can lack personal empowerment. If the approach is too yang,
there can be strong intention, but with too much belief or investment in personal control.
Allowing the natural flow of yin and yang, of grace and practice, brings a balance not only to
the awakening process, but to all of life
Being
Embracing
Feeling
Receiving
Relating.
Choose whichever theme is drawing you and do some journaling on what that aspect brings up for you.
I can't say that any of them spoke to me louder than the others. Seemed sort of boring, actually. But I did like this paragraph at the beginning. For me it was the best part.
Some suggest you should do all you can to attain enlightenment; to us, this represents the
masculine aspect of the awakening process. Others say that any willful effort expended in
seeking enlightenment is a waste because it’s all about non-doing; we see this as the
feminine aspect. In the work of Waking Down in Mutuality, we find that masculine and
feminine approaches are equally important in the awakening process, and that by using both
as appropriate brings the most rapid and transformative results. If the approach is too yin,
there can be openness, but it can lack personal empowerment. If the approach is too yang,
there can be strong intention, but with too much belief or investment in personal control.
Allowing the natural flow of yin and yang, of grace and practice, brings a balance not only to
the awakening process, but to all of life
Lesson 7 homework
This brings us to a central question. Exactly what is it you thought you were seeking? What have you been imagining you’ll get from your spiritual quest or your journey of personal growth? Your answer to this question is extremely important, so I invite you to contemplate that for at least a few moments before moving to the next paragraph. Feel free to makes notes on this and all the following questions in your journal. The question again is, what exactly are you seeking?- Pause for contemplation -
I have been seeking a permanent sense of expanded awareness, wholeness, and sense of self. Consciousness with big C, Self with big S.
So what have you been seeking? Is there some benefit you thought you were going for? Is there some image you’ve been holding out for? Have you been picturing being happy, radiant, at peace, or being deeply loved and appreciated? Whatever it is you’ve been seeking, let’s just set that aside for a moment and contemplate an even more fundamental question. Why have you been seeking that? What’s been motivating your quest to find that thing, whatever it is?
- Pause for contemplation -
Having felt in a peak experience a sense of authenticness, fullness, completion, wholeness, I wanted to always feel that, or at least have access to it more or less at will.
OK, hopefully you’ve located something that has been motivating your quest. Now I want to help you get deeper into the immediate feeling aspect of your motivation. So right now, just take a moment to feel how it feels to be you. Feel as much of your reality as you can; feel your body............ your emotions............ your thoughts............ your energy............ feel your awareness............ and your connection with the world around you............. The question I’d like you to contemplate this time is: What don’t I like about the feeling of this moment? This is not about the past or the future, but about the feeling of being you right now. The question again is: What is it I don’t like about the feeling of this moment?
- Pause for contemplation -
In one sense I can't say there is anything I dislike about the present moment. Does one dislike a rosebud that has not flowered yet? On the other hand, I feel constricted, limited in time and space. I know that there is more. But I can be patient.
OK. Whether or not you could identify something in your feeling experience you don’t like, I invite you to contemplate this on your own over time. As you dig deeper in this inquiry, you may discover that all the ideas you have about what you want and all your memories of what happened in your past are only secondary to what’s actually motivating your quest. The deeper motivation is how you feel right now; how it feels to be you. The reason we know this is because when you’re feeling complete in the moment, you’re not seeking for anything else, no matter how bad your past, or what you want in the future.
I have been seeking a permanent sense of expanded awareness, wholeness, and sense of self. Consciousness with big C, Self with big S.
So what have you been seeking? Is there some benefit you thought you were going for? Is there some image you’ve been holding out for? Have you been picturing being happy, radiant, at peace, or being deeply loved and appreciated? Whatever it is you’ve been seeking, let’s just set that aside for a moment and contemplate an even more fundamental question. Why have you been seeking that? What’s been motivating your quest to find that thing, whatever it is?
- Pause for contemplation -
Having felt in a peak experience a sense of authenticness, fullness, completion, wholeness, I wanted to always feel that, or at least have access to it more or less at will.
OK, hopefully you’ve located something that has been motivating your quest. Now I want to help you get deeper into the immediate feeling aspect of your motivation. So right now, just take a moment to feel how it feels to be you. Feel as much of your reality as you can; feel your body............ your emotions............ your thoughts............ your energy............ feel your awareness............ and your connection with the world around you............. The question I’d like you to contemplate this time is: What don’t I like about the feeling of this moment? This is not about the past or the future, but about the feeling of being you right now. The question again is: What is it I don’t like about the feeling of this moment?
- Pause for contemplation -
In one sense I can't say there is anything I dislike about the present moment. Does one dislike a rosebud that has not flowered yet? On the other hand, I feel constricted, limited in time and space. I know that there is more. But I can be patient.
OK. Whether or not you could identify something in your feeling experience you don’t like, I invite you to contemplate this on your own over time. As you dig deeper in this inquiry, you may discover that all the ideas you have about what you want and all your memories of what happened in your past are only secondary to what’s actually motivating your quest. The deeper motivation is how you feel right now; how it feels to be you. The reason we know this is because when you’re feeling complete in the moment, you’re not seeking for anything else, no matter how bad your past, or what you want in the future.
Feb 8 reflections
Just thinking how the impersonal aspect of my Feb 6 experience was perhaps more significant than I thought at the time. If it happens again, I intend to rest in the impersonal.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Lesson 6 homework
I hope this lesson opened your awareness to the significance of awakening in the dimension of Mutuality.
What I’d like you to contemplate is:
What did this lesson bring up for you?
Did it stimulate a new or renewed hope?
I didn't & don't feel hopeless. Things are good, although there is always room for improvement. However, I don't have very many relationships.
Did it open an old wound?
It did bring up memories about pain and stress of childhood, and the unhappiness of my parents.
Did it bring up cynicism about love, belonging, or real connectedness with others?
No.
Whatever is up, I hope you’ll spend some time writing in your journal about it.
----------------------------------
I spent much of my life without significant relationships. In the boarding school I went to in my high school years, other kids would talk about their families, but I never felt I had a family. Although of course I did. But it was not a happy family. I always dreaded going home for school vacation. I was lonely, never had a girlfriend, etc. In my senior year I did have a good roommate that I have kept in touch with until the present. Later, in college, I never had a girlfriend either. I now realize that I ran from relationships. There were several girls who liked me, but I was unable to reciprocate. They moved too fast for me and I ran away. I did, however, have several good platonic friends who were women, and I have kept in touch with some of them. Well, blah blah blah. I don't see much point in going on with my romantic history except to say that I finally realized in my 40s that personal growth would be slow if I continued as a solo player, and did finally get married to a wonderful woman I had known for years and I feel it has been a success in most ways. Since no one is going to read this except me, and I know all this stuff, I will quit here.
What I’d like you to contemplate is:
What did this lesson bring up for you?
Did it stimulate a new or renewed hope?
I didn't & don't feel hopeless. Things are good, although there is always room for improvement. However, I don't have very many relationships.
Did it open an old wound?
It did bring up memories about pain and stress of childhood, and the unhappiness of my parents.
Did it bring up cynicism about love, belonging, or real connectedness with others?
No.
Whatever is up, I hope you’ll spend some time writing in your journal about it.
----------------------------------
I spent much of my life without significant relationships. In the boarding school I went to in my high school years, other kids would talk about their families, but I never felt I had a family. Although of course I did. But it was not a happy family. I always dreaded going home for school vacation. I was lonely, never had a girlfriend, etc. In my senior year I did have a good roommate that I have kept in touch with until the present. Later, in college, I never had a girlfriend either. I now realize that I ran from relationships. There were several girls who liked me, but I was unable to reciprocate. They moved too fast for me and I ran away. I did, however, have several good platonic friends who were women, and I have kept in touch with some of them. Well, blah blah blah. I don't see much point in going on with my romantic history except to say that I finally realized in my 40s that personal growth would be slow if I continued as a solo player, and did finally get married to a wonderful woman I had known for years and I feel it has been a success in most ways. Since no one is going to read this except me, and I know all this stuff, I will quit here.
Lesson 5 homework
First, spend some dedicated time just consciously feeling your body. See if you can feel what it is about being this body that’s uncomfortable. What it is you don’t like about being you?
After that, here are a few questions I’d like you to contemplate: What do you feel about yourself?
Do you like yourself or love yourself?
Do you dislike yourself or hate yourself? Why?
And, how willing or committed are you to being yourself as fully as possible?
It will be important to take time with this contemplation. I hope you’ll make some notes in your journal.
-----------------------------------------------
I have spent quite a bit of time over the years feeling my body, or parts of it. I am not aware of uncomfortable feelings in the body per se. From time to time, of course, I have certainly felt unpleasant emotional feelings in the heart or pit of the stomach.
I suppose I have a love-hate relationship with myself. I am definitely inhibited, afraid to express myself publicly in a bodily way, such as dancing. To even think about dancing in front of other people, or even with other people, makes me uncomfortable. Yet privately, if no one is looking, I enjoy moving my body to music.
On the positive side, I do enjoy my own company, enjoy being alone with myself in a quiet sort of way. However, feelings of self-loathing are far stronger than feelings of self-liking or self love. Unpleasant memories, times when I have been exposed as stupid or clueless or whatever, especially with regard to sex, can send me into paroxysms of self hate and rejection of life. "I hate life" is a phrase that is very familiar to me in my inner life.
How committed am I to being myself as fully as possible? Not sure. Before I had heard of WD and the possibility of awakening, I was satisfied with my life. I certainly jumped at the chance of awakening to consciousness, but I'm not sure how much pain I am willing to endure in the process. I can always quit, I suppose, if it gets to be too much.
After that, here are a few questions I’d like you to contemplate: What do you feel about yourself?
Do you like yourself or love yourself?
Do you dislike yourself or hate yourself? Why?
And, how willing or committed are you to being yourself as fully as possible?
It will be important to take time with this contemplation. I hope you’ll make some notes in your journal.
-----------------------------------------------
I have spent quite a bit of time over the years feeling my body, or parts of it. I am not aware of uncomfortable feelings in the body per se. From time to time, of course, I have certainly felt unpleasant emotional feelings in the heart or pit of the stomach.
I suppose I have a love-hate relationship with myself. I am definitely inhibited, afraid to express myself publicly in a bodily way, such as dancing. To even think about dancing in front of other people, or even with other people, makes me uncomfortable. Yet privately, if no one is looking, I enjoy moving my body to music.
On the positive side, I do enjoy my own company, enjoy being alone with myself in a quiet sort of way. However, feelings of self-loathing are far stronger than feelings of self-liking or self love. Unpleasant memories, times when I have been exposed as stupid or clueless or whatever, especially with regard to sex, can send me into paroxysms of self hate and rejection of life. "I hate life" is a phrase that is very familiar to me in my inner life.
How committed am I to being myself as fully as possible? Not sure. Before I had heard of WD and the possibility of awakening, I was satisfied with my life. I certainly jumped at the chance of awakening to consciousness, but I'm not sure how much pain I am willing to endure in the process. I can always quit, I suppose, if it gets to be too much.
Lesson 4 homework
The question I’d like you to contemplate before that lesson is:
Is there any way in which you don’t feel fully here?
Perhaps not fully embodied, or not fully invested in your life, or in being human? If so, what is the cost of that to you?
What is it about that that no longer works for you?
Feel free to record your thoughts in your journal.
-------------------------------
These questions do not immediately resonate with me. But perhaps the following might be relevant: For just about as along as I can remember I have been assaulted by "zingers" - painful thoughts, usually of something akin to shame, or self-loathing, that I actively push away by engaging in another thought, or making a noise, or doing something. So this is a part of me that I am not accepting. Through WD I am learning to greenlight these events. On the one hand, it's OK for me to be doing this. On the other hand, I can also start practicing non-resistance to the painful feelings brought up by these thoughts.
Since starting WD I have also had periods of emotional painfulness in the heart. I have practiced not pushing this away but consciously feeling it, and to some extent exploring where it might have come from (loneliness as a child, rejection from others, feelings of not being loved by my parents, etc.)
Is there any way in which you don’t feel fully here?
Perhaps not fully embodied, or not fully invested in your life, or in being human? If so, what is the cost of that to you?
What is it about that that no longer works for you?
Feel free to record your thoughts in your journal.
-------------------------------
These questions do not immediately resonate with me. But perhaps the following might be relevant: For just about as along as I can remember I have been assaulted by "zingers" - painful thoughts, usually of something akin to shame, or self-loathing, that I actively push away by engaging in another thought, or making a noise, or doing something. So this is a part of me that I am not accepting. Through WD I am learning to greenlight these events. On the one hand, it's OK for me to be doing this. On the other hand, I can also start practicing non-resistance to the painful feelings brought up by these thoughts.
Since starting WD I have also had periods of emotional painfulness in the heart. I have practiced not pushing this away but consciously feeling it, and to some extent exploring where it might have come from (loneliness as a child, rejection from others, feelings of not being loved by my parents, etc.)
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Lesson 3 homework
Here is the homework assignment for lesson 3
----------------------------
What are some of the most significant spiritual experiences you’ve had? What qualities did they have in common?
How have those experiences influenced your expectations about awakening to consciousness?
It would be good to do some writing on these questions in your journal.
-----------------------------
I already wrote about my two most significant experiences in the Lesson 1 homework.
Lesson 2 homework.
Lesson 2 presents lists of qualities supposedly pertaining to enlightenment. The homework is:
"Take your time to look over all the ideals and put a check next to every one you have at least
some residual belief in. Please be honest with yourself about this. Remember, I’m not asking
you to drop any of your beliefs, just to examine them. When you’re done, please count how
many you’ve checked. After that, please write in your journal what this brought up for you."
I did not check very many. Here are those that I did check.
Here are a few things Enlightenment will
supposedly free you from…
! Anger, fear, pain,
sadness, sorrow, suffering X
! Petty irritations
and jealousy X
OK, now here’s how Enlightenment will supposedly make you
feel…
Expanded, infinite, huge, or cosmic X
OK, enough of the groovy benefits. Now let’s look at how you
were supposed to get
enlightened…
! By meditating – a lot
My comments: A year or two ago I would have checked many more. But in the past several years I have dropped most of my long-held expectations for awakening and what it would do for me. Instrumental in this dropping was the book by Robert KC Forman "Enlightenment is not what it's cracked up to be". But also having a friend who has had pure consciousness 24x7 for many many years and knowing that she still faces the same types of problems that we all face made me start to realize that things are not always what we have been led to believe in the TM Movement.
The items I checked I still believe might be true to some extent, though of course not 100%. I also still meditate, even though I realize it is not a very good gateway to the transcendent for me personally. But it does work for some people.
Lesson 1 homework
Jan. 22, 2013.
I signed up for the 10-lesson Waking Down course on December 17, 2012. As of today I am on Lesson 6. The first homework assignment in Lesson 1 was to create a journal, based on suggested questions at the end of the lesson. I wrote down the questions and some short answers for Lesson 1, but I did not follow through on later lessons--not a great beginning! So this morning I started reviewing all the lessons and will resume my journal.
Here is what I wrote at the time after Lesson 1:
-----
Lesson 1. Dec. 17
Q: What have I been hoping awakening will do for me?
Open me to, and ground me in, my infinite self
Q: What did I think I’d have to do to awaken?
Meditate regularly and it will happen by itself, eventually.
Q: Do I believe I’m a real candidate for awakening?
Yes
Q:Why?
Because I have had several very real short tastes of it.
------
The best "short taste" occurred a few days before I signed up for the course. It happened about 3 am as I was lying in bed awake. I reached for my iPod, something I often do when I wake up in the middle of the night, and decided to listen once again to the Batgap interview with Steve and Winifred Boggs that had originally introduced us to Waking Down. As I listened to Winifred describe her awakening experience I began to feel expanded. This expansion somehow moved down into my lower body. I felt myself to be full, complete, solid, universal, totally grounded, and remarkably three-dimensional instead of flat. I thought:"This is remarkable. For the first time in my life I am experiencing what it is really like to be me." It felt very good to be me. The words "authentic self" came to mind. I could clearly see now how 'un-authentic" my previous, ordinary sense of self had been. The shift lasted for a few minutes, long enough for me to savor it, reflect on it. Then it gradually faded. This shift was very different from anything I have ever had before. My one previous clear shift, several years ago, was one of pure expansion, infinity, transcendence, and it lasted only a second or so. It had no content; it was startling. This one had content; it was fully satisfying.
I signed up for the 10-lesson Waking Down course on December 17, 2012. As of today I am on Lesson 6. The first homework assignment in Lesson 1 was to create a journal, based on suggested questions at the end of the lesson. I wrote down the questions and some short answers for Lesson 1, but I did not follow through on later lessons--not a great beginning! So this morning I started reviewing all the lessons and will resume my journal.
Here is what I wrote at the time after Lesson 1:
-----
Lesson 1. Dec. 17
Q: What have I been hoping awakening will do for me?
Open me to, and ground me in, my infinite self
Q: What did I think I’d have to do to awaken?
Meditate regularly and it will happen by itself, eventually.
Q: Do I believe I’m a real candidate for awakening?
Yes
Q:Why?
Because I have had several very real short tastes of it.
------
The best "short taste" occurred a few days before I signed up for the course. It happened about 3 am as I was lying in bed awake. I reached for my iPod, something I often do when I wake up in the middle of the night, and decided to listen once again to the Batgap interview with Steve and Winifred Boggs that had originally introduced us to Waking Down. As I listened to Winifred describe her awakening experience I began to feel expanded. This expansion somehow moved down into my lower body. I felt myself to be full, complete, solid, universal, totally grounded, and remarkably three-dimensional instead of flat. I thought:"This is remarkable. For the first time in my life I am experiencing what it is really like to be me." It felt very good to be me. The words "authentic self" came to mind. I could clearly see now how 'un-authentic" my previous, ordinary sense of self had been. The shift lasted for a few minutes, long enough for me to savor it, reflect on it. Then it gradually faded. This shift was very different from anything I have ever had before. My one previous clear shift, several years ago, was one of pure expansion, infinity, transcendence, and it lasted only a second or so. It had no content; it was startling. This one had content; it was fully satisfying.
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