It has been almost 2 years since I have posted anything to this blog. I had the idea to post something daily to record whether or not I am feeling bliss/consciousness/being. That way to get some statistics, so to speak. It seems like there are long dry spells. Not that I'm worried. I have confidence that I'm "in touch" with my broader nature. For one thing, silent mind rarely goes away. But it is certainly nice when I have that sense of being "anchored in the absolute".
Marcia talked with Ted yesterday and I sat in. I think I got some good information and some good transmission. I think there has been a very subtle shift into more unity since skyping with Ted. The information was that unpleasant feeling from past conditioning might never go away completely, and that human experience will always have things we like and things we don't like. The way to handle things we don't like is just to experience them without judgement, without stories. They are part of the whole. If we want unity, we must not resist the things we don't like in our immediate experience.
Anyway, today I have been feeling more of myself in surroundings and other people. It is subtly blissful. I recall what Gary Weber says about continual bliss - how can the brain keep producing the chemicals? He thinks it's because of the constant almost dynamic appreciation of our surroundings is sufficient stimulus.
Thursday, April 6, 2017
Thursday, August 6, 2015
August 6, 2015
It has been more than a year since I last posted to this blog. In the meantime, I had my second birth confirmed by Sandra Glickman. Today I spoke with Ted Strauss. Among other things he suggested I be pro-active regarding integration of SB with my life and conditioning. This is a better approach than just letting it happen, which can be jarring and uncomfortable. Ted wanted me to continually reflect on what stands in the way of my relating to other people. He suggested that I keep a journal on this. I woke up at 2 am, as I often do and meditated, which sometimes helps me fall asleep again. During the meditation I felt subtly big, huge, with no obvious boundaries. Not physically, but as a sort of aura around me. I acknowledged and owned this feeling. Yes, that's me. Then I realized that this bigness is none other than the world around me, and that this feeling of sameness with the physical world around me induced that subtle sense of fundamental well being that I have often experienced before. In fact I can pretty much relax into it anytime I am quiet. The heart sutra came to mind Emptiness is Form--Form is emptiness. Emptiness, of course, is the Buddhist way of expressing Being, or Consciousness.
But the point of all this was to explore what stands in the way of relating to other people, and also myself. I didn't come up with much. Marcia gets annoyed when I am too mercurial, or to quick for her. This especially happens when we are at the computer together. I think this is more a personality difference, and not something wrong. I could handle it better, to be sure, but I don't think this sort of personality difference is what Ted is referring to.
I did not fall asleep after meditating, and after lying there for awhile I got up and started this journal.
It has been more than a year since I last posted to this blog. In the meantime, I had my second birth confirmed by Sandra Glickman. Today I spoke with Ted Strauss. Among other things he suggested I be pro-active regarding integration of SB with my life and conditioning. This is a better approach than just letting it happen, which can be jarring and uncomfortable. Ted wanted me to continually reflect on what stands in the way of my relating to other people. He suggested that I keep a journal on this. I woke up at 2 am, as I often do and meditated, which sometimes helps me fall asleep again. During the meditation I felt subtly big, huge, with no obvious boundaries. Not physically, but as a sort of aura around me. I acknowledged and owned this feeling. Yes, that's me. Then I realized that this bigness is none other than the world around me, and that this feeling of sameness with the physical world around me induced that subtle sense of fundamental well being that I have often experienced before. In fact I can pretty much relax into it anytime I am quiet. The heart sutra came to mind Emptiness is Form--Form is emptiness. Emptiness, of course, is the Buddhist way of expressing Being, or Consciousness.
But the point of all this was to explore what stands in the way of relating to other people, and also myself. I didn't come up with much. Marcia gets annoyed when I am too mercurial, or to quick for her. This especially happens when we are at the computer together. I think this is more a personality difference, and not something wrong. I could handle it better, to be sure, but I don't think this sort of personality difference is what Ted is referring to.
I did not fall asleep after meditating, and after lying there for awhile I got up and started this journal.
Lesson 9 homework
To understand the principle of penetrating more deeply, let’s try a little exercise right now. You might want to make notes in your journal during this section. Ask yourself the question “What is one thing I avoid seeing about myself?”
- Pause for contemplation -
My immediate answer is: myself. Or, my Self. However, the word "avoid" isn't quite right, as that implies a shunning from something uncomfortable. For me, the Self is a goal, not something I want to avoid. So, I'm a bit puzzled by the question. I don't know the answer. I'm not aware right now of my "dark side", the part of me that I don't want to see (but I don't doubt is there).
OK, welcome back. I hope you stayed with that question long enough to discover that the mere fact of thinking it necessarily brings up discomfort. This is inevitable, because the very reason we avoid seeing things about ourselves is because doing so makes us uncomfortable. So that brings us to the next question I’d like you to contemplate, which is “What is the nature of the discomfort I feel when I look to see what I’m avoiding about myself?” Pause the video while you consider this.
- Pause for contemplation -
Well, I'm plenty familiar with the feeling of discomfort with myself... self loathing... even though it is not particularly triggered by the immediate question. In fact, I've asked this question of myself many times over the years.
OK, thanks for doing that. Now, whatever you came to about the nature of your discomfort, let’s consider one last question. Ask yourself “What is my relationship to that uncomfortable feeling?” Pause the video while you investigate this.
- Pause for contemplation -
The immediate answer that comes to mind is: I am that feeling, in part.
OK, hopefully you were able to stay present long enough with that question to see a little deeper into the nature of your relationship to discomfort. So why was this exercise important? Because you need to see for yourself that the reason it’s difficult to penetrate appearances and get to the heart of things is because doing so makes you feel uncomfortable. It requires your willingness to take time, to be patient with your discomfort, and to stick with the investigation until you succeed in finding what you’re looking for. To the degree you run from life’s discomforts, you will be unable to penetrate her secrets, including the mysteries of your own existence.
--------
To take this lesson a little deeper, feel into which of these aspects inspired you the most: Doing
Investigating
Thinking
Giving
Daring
Taking a stand for yourself
Persevering
Whichever theme catalyzed something in you, take some time to do some journaling about what that brought up for you
- Pause for contemplation -
My immediate answer is: myself. Or, my Self. However, the word "avoid" isn't quite right, as that implies a shunning from something uncomfortable. For me, the Self is a goal, not something I want to avoid. So, I'm a bit puzzled by the question. I don't know the answer. I'm not aware right now of my "dark side", the part of me that I don't want to see (but I don't doubt is there).
OK, welcome back. I hope you stayed with that question long enough to discover that the mere fact of thinking it necessarily brings up discomfort. This is inevitable, because the very reason we avoid seeing things about ourselves is because doing so makes us uncomfortable. So that brings us to the next question I’d like you to contemplate, which is “What is the nature of the discomfort I feel when I look to see what I’m avoiding about myself?” Pause the video while you consider this.
- Pause for contemplation -
Well, I'm plenty familiar with the feeling of discomfort with myself... self loathing... even though it is not particularly triggered by the immediate question. In fact, I've asked this question of myself many times over the years.
OK, thanks for doing that. Now, whatever you came to about the nature of your discomfort, let’s consider one last question. Ask yourself “What is my relationship to that uncomfortable feeling?” Pause the video while you investigate this.
- Pause for contemplation -
The immediate answer that comes to mind is: I am that feeling, in part.
OK, hopefully you were able to stay present long enough with that question to see a little deeper into the nature of your relationship to discomfort. So why was this exercise important? Because you need to see for yourself that the reason it’s difficult to penetrate appearances and get to the heart of things is because doing so makes you feel uncomfortable. It requires your willingness to take time, to be patient with your discomfort, and to stick with the investigation until you succeed in finding what you’re looking for. To the degree you run from life’s discomforts, you will be unable to penetrate her secrets, including the mysteries of your own existence.
--------
To take this lesson a little deeper, feel into which of these aspects inspired you the most: Doing
Investigating
Thinking
Giving
Daring
Taking a stand for yourself
Persevering
Whichever theme catalyzed something in you, take some time to do some journaling about what that brought up for you
Friday, June 27, 2014
June 27 2014 - It has been about a year since I posted anything to this blog. Last post was at the start of the June 2013 Transfiguration Retreat in Petaluma, California, when I felt optimistic. However (though it was wonderful meeting so the teachers I had only heard about or seen in videos) the retreat ended up being a bit disappointing, by which I mean that it did not seem to consolidate or advance my experience in any way obvious to me. Afterward I fell into a mild "rot" and for months I didn't feel any expanded consciousness and didn't want to talk with any teachers or do anything to further consciousness. However, we had signed up for the Transormation Retreat in Fairfield in October, so though I probably wouldn't have particularly wanted to go, we had paid for it and Marcia certainly wanted to go, so we went. Nothing outstanding or obvious happened there, though I certainly enjoyed it. Marcia and I went to Albuquerque after Fairfield and there we attended a sitting with Deidre Huestis. and each had a subsequent session with her. Deidre told me that if I was looking for consciousness as something separate I wouldn't find it, because once one has experienced embodied consciousness it never again is separate. That was helpful. A few days later, while driving north in NM I was reading Saniel's book Waking Down and one passage sent me into a very settled, grounded state, similar to what I had felt a few times after my Consciousness Clarification session with Fax Gilbert (which I haven't even mentioned in this blog--there's so much catching up to do!). Anyway, it was a passage that said it is absolutely 100% OK to feel confused about who you are.
I don't remember too much else happening, but in December I started feeling some enlivenment and on that basis I felt to call Ted Strauss. I told him that I thought I "got" what consciousness is, but that I didn't "get" unity. Ted led me through some exercises in feeling myself in objects outside. After the session I went back to my computer and resumed work on whatever I had been doing before, then a warning voice in my head said--don't just go back to your computer, silly--practice what Ted showed you! So I started the exercise and soon started feeling strong release or relief of some sort. A few tears came, then I realized that I felt completely HERE, grounded, part of everything, and physically limp... (like a piece of spaghetti, as I expressed it at the time). I totally understood Saniel's phrase "great relief." I totally understood Saniel's "equalization of pressures" analogy. I was no longer subtly resisting my surroundings, I was at the same "level" as everything else. I remember feeling: "It's easier to be everything than to be somebody." I thought I had probably had my Second Birth. I felt that I should write to Saniel and thank him profusely for his work. I felt that life was really on a different basis now, and that now I had the chance to actually live life right. I felt regret that this came so late in my life. One of the effects I noticed was a feeling of ease and lack of resistance to other people. I could sit with someone I didn't know that well and just be there easily with them. I had heard that it's good to be bold and claim things like states of consciousness, so I emailed all the people in my small groups and said I though I had had my SB. The feeling of wonderful well-being persisted for a few days, maybe a week. Then it faded away. The grounded, all here, expanded feeling came back briefly when we went to visit Bill and Pauline in Honolulu. Pauline said she noticed that I was more settled and warmer. I thought that was perceptive of her, as that's how I felt. But again, it faded. It might reappear for a few moments now and again, but was not steady.
I will post more "catch-up" material later.
I don't remember too much else happening, but in December I started feeling some enlivenment and on that basis I felt to call Ted Strauss. I told him that I thought I "got" what consciousness is, but that I didn't "get" unity. Ted led me through some exercises in feeling myself in objects outside. After the session I went back to my computer and resumed work on whatever I had been doing before, then a warning voice in my head said--don't just go back to your computer, silly--practice what Ted showed you! So I started the exercise and soon started feeling strong release or relief of some sort. A few tears came, then I realized that I felt completely HERE, grounded, part of everything, and physically limp... (like a piece of spaghetti, as I expressed it at the time). I totally understood Saniel's phrase "great relief." I totally understood Saniel's "equalization of pressures" analogy. I was no longer subtly resisting my surroundings, I was at the same "level" as everything else. I remember feeling: "It's easier to be everything than to be somebody." I thought I had probably had my Second Birth. I felt that I should write to Saniel and thank him profusely for his work. I felt that life was really on a different basis now, and that now I had the chance to actually live life right. I felt regret that this came so late in my life. One of the effects I noticed was a feeling of ease and lack of resistance to other people. I could sit with someone I didn't know that well and just be there easily with them. I had heard that it's good to be bold and claim things like states of consciousness, so I emailed all the people in my small groups and said I though I had had my SB. The feeling of wonderful well-being persisted for a few days, maybe a week. Then it faded away. The grounded, all here, expanded feeling came back briefly when we went to visit Bill and Pauline in Honolulu. Pauline said she noticed that I was more settled and warmer. I thought that was perceptive of her, as that's how I felt. But again, it faded. It might reappear for a few moments now and again, but was not steady.
I will post more "catch-up" material later.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Transfiguration Retreat
Day 1 - I woke this am feeling that subtle, delicate, expansive, open, clear, whole-being feeling that I associate with enlivened consciousness. I wonder if I am already picking up on the transmission, as course participants converge for the course. Registration is this afternoon. I am looking forward to whatever happens in the coming week.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Lesson 8 homework
If you’d like to take this lesson one step deeper, feel into which of the categories spoke the loudest to you:
Being
Embracing
Feeling
Receiving
Relating.
Choose whichever theme is drawing you and do some journaling on what that aspect brings up for you.
I can't say that any of them spoke to me louder than the others. Seemed sort of boring, actually. But I did like this paragraph at the beginning. For me it was the best part.
Some suggest you should do all you can to attain enlightenment; to us, this represents the
masculine aspect of the awakening process. Others say that any willful effort expended in
seeking enlightenment is a waste because it’s all about non-doing; we see this as the
feminine aspect. In the work of Waking Down in Mutuality, we find that masculine and
feminine approaches are equally important in the awakening process, and that by using both
as appropriate brings the most rapid and transformative results. If the approach is too yin,
there can be openness, but it can lack personal empowerment. If the approach is too yang,
there can be strong intention, but with too much belief or investment in personal control.
Allowing the natural flow of yin and yang, of grace and practice, brings a balance not only to
the awakening process, but to all of life
Being
Embracing
Feeling
Receiving
Relating.
Choose whichever theme is drawing you and do some journaling on what that aspect brings up for you.
I can't say that any of them spoke to me louder than the others. Seemed sort of boring, actually. But I did like this paragraph at the beginning. For me it was the best part.
Some suggest you should do all you can to attain enlightenment; to us, this represents the
masculine aspect of the awakening process. Others say that any willful effort expended in
seeking enlightenment is a waste because it’s all about non-doing; we see this as the
feminine aspect. In the work of Waking Down in Mutuality, we find that masculine and
feminine approaches are equally important in the awakening process, and that by using both
as appropriate brings the most rapid and transformative results. If the approach is too yin,
there can be openness, but it can lack personal empowerment. If the approach is too yang,
there can be strong intention, but with too much belief or investment in personal control.
Allowing the natural flow of yin and yang, of grace and practice, brings a balance not only to
the awakening process, but to all of life
Lesson 7 homework
This brings us to a central question. Exactly what is it you thought you were seeking? What have you been imagining you’ll get from your spiritual quest or your journey of personal growth? Your answer to this question is extremely important, so I invite you to contemplate that for at least a few moments before moving to the next paragraph. Feel free to makes notes on this and all the following questions in your journal. The question again is, what exactly are you seeking?- Pause for contemplation -
I have been seeking a permanent sense of expanded awareness, wholeness, and sense of self. Consciousness with big C, Self with big S.
So what have you been seeking? Is there some benefit you thought you were going for? Is there some image you’ve been holding out for? Have you been picturing being happy, radiant, at peace, or being deeply loved and appreciated? Whatever it is you’ve been seeking, let’s just set that aside for a moment and contemplate an even more fundamental question. Why have you been seeking that? What’s been motivating your quest to find that thing, whatever it is?
- Pause for contemplation -
Having felt in a peak experience a sense of authenticness, fullness, completion, wholeness, I wanted to always feel that, or at least have access to it more or less at will.
OK, hopefully you’ve located something that has been motivating your quest. Now I want to help you get deeper into the immediate feeling aspect of your motivation. So right now, just take a moment to feel how it feels to be you. Feel as much of your reality as you can; feel your body............ your emotions............ your thoughts............ your energy............ feel your awareness............ and your connection with the world around you............. The question I’d like you to contemplate this time is: What don’t I like about the feeling of this moment? This is not about the past or the future, but about the feeling of being you right now. The question again is: What is it I don’t like about the feeling of this moment?
- Pause for contemplation -
In one sense I can't say there is anything I dislike about the present moment. Does one dislike a rosebud that has not flowered yet? On the other hand, I feel constricted, limited in time and space. I know that there is more. But I can be patient.
OK. Whether or not you could identify something in your feeling experience you don’t like, I invite you to contemplate this on your own over time. As you dig deeper in this inquiry, you may discover that all the ideas you have about what you want and all your memories of what happened in your past are only secondary to what’s actually motivating your quest. The deeper motivation is how you feel right now; how it feels to be you. The reason we know this is because when you’re feeling complete in the moment, you’re not seeking for anything else, no matter how bad your past, or what you want in the future.
I have been seeking a permanent sense of expanded awareness, wholeness, and sense of self. Consciousness with big C, Self with big S.
So what have you been seeking? Is there some benefit you thought you were going for? Is there some image you’ve been holding out for? Have you been picturing being happy, radiant, at peace, or being deeply loved and appreciated? Whatever it is you’ve been seeking, let’s just set that aside for a moment and contemplate an even more fundamental question. Why have you been seeking that? What’s been motivating your quest to find that thing, whatever it is?
- Pause for contemplation -
Having felt in a peak experience a sense of authenticness, fullness, completion, wholeness, I wanted to always feel that, or at least have access to it more or less at will.
OK, hopefully you’ve located something that has been motivating your quest. Now I want to help you get deeper into the immediate feeling aspect of your motivation. So right now, just take a moment to feel how it feels to be you. Feel as much of your reality as you can; feel your body............ your emotions............ your thoughts............ your energy............ feel your awareness............ and your connection with the world around you............. The question I’d like you to contemplate this time is: What don’t I like about the feeling of this moment? This is not about the past or the future, but about the feeling of being you right now. The question again is: What is it I don’t like about the feeling of this moment?
- Pause for contemplation -
In one sense I can't say there is anything I dislike about the present moment. Does one dislike a rosebud that has not flowered yet? On the other hand, I feel constricted, limited in time and space. I know that there is more. But I can be patient.
OK. Whether or not you could identify something in your feeling experience you don’t like, I invite you to contemplate this on your own over time. As you dig deeper in this inquiry, you may discover that all the ideas you have about what you want and all your memories of what happened in your past are only secondary to what’s actually motivating your quest. The deeper motivation is how you feel right now; how it feels to be you. The reason we know this is because when you’re feeling complete in the moment, you’re not seeking for anything else, no matter how bad your past, or what you want in the future.
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